JOURNAL IN TIME

Thank You

deesteve@comcast.com — Thu, 20 Sep 2007 17:04:26 GMT

This will be quick.....I have been gone for ages I know, and am so happy to see I still have LJ friends and I just wanted to say thank you and I'm getting better (lot's to write here) but now is not the time. You guys are great!

Will write more later.

Dee

deesteve@comcast.com — Wed, 25 Apr 2007 00:26:13 GMT

Just checking in .......I have been going through a lot this month....in the Hospital twice...once to get my Galbladder removed and back again because of my pancreas getting inflamed from the surgery...really s--ks... starting on another poem, will post when finished, I'm going to try to get on more...so hope to have more time to comment....hope everyone is doing great....write more later.

Dee

Edited again :)

deesteve@comcast.com — Sun, 18 Mar 2007 00:40:17 GMT

HI! Quick Hello ...I will be writing more. But here's one of my old..old poems I decided to re-do again. ;)
anyway hope everyone is doing Great!

The floor feels like shredded glass beneath my feet
reminding me of this unstable place
the floor shatters as I knew it would
a familiar panic takes it's hold
and numbness pierces through my soul
hate and fury surrounds me with it's force
knowing only pain can dull this ache
desperate tears fades
surrendering into a restless sleep
waiting for promised lies of a more peaceful place.

Denise

Finally finished my poem

deesteve@comcast.com — Sun, 16 Jul 2006 15:19:34 GMT

NO NAME:

I feel this deep longing in my heart
flowing through the deepest part of my soul
the pounding telling me there must be more
this is not where I am suppose to be

Could I be more? or am I deluding myself
tricks of the mind
fantasies that are not real
looking for something that does not exist

Can this be all I will be?
Do I accept this limitation that holds me?
or do I fight against the odds and dare be more.

My longing grows as does my frustration
wanting to escape
from this prison that I have built
knowing that only I can
break down the bars that surround me

actually still working on this ....but has potential.

Dee

deesteve@comcast.com — Thu, 29 Jun 2006 18:06:29 GMT

I'm a procrastinator, this I have been all my life, so instead of using all my energy putting myself down, I have decided to give in and find answers, if that's what you want to call it, and give tips and words of wisdom (Your really not expecting to much wisdom, are you?)

So just for the heck of it, because surely I am not alone :/. Here is my first tip:

1. Pin a task list to your wall. Throw five darts at the list from ten feet away. whichever tasks you hit, do them. If you don't hit anything, go buy yourself a ice-cream, and take the day off.
Hey I'm hoping for Ice-cream.

:)

deesteve@comcast.com — Tue, 27 Jun 2006 01:18:02 GMT

Darn!!!! I still have writer's block, seems like even the most simple of writing is really hard; hope this goes away soon!!!, I think it's from the shock of losing my sister, and will be back to writing and painting eventually.

Anyway I went to the Doctor the other day for this sharp pain going down the back of my right leg that has been going on for over a month now (I Hate going to the doctor) but decided it obviously was'nt going away by itself so after the exam and x-ray's, the Doctor tells me he thinks it's a pinch nerve and so today I went to physical therapy, I hated it but I'm really glad I went because I'm already feeling less pain after just one visit, so I figure I should be pain free in a week, lol...that's what I'm hoping for anyway.

hope everyone has a great night.

Dee

grabbed from "grnladybug"

deesteve@comcast.com — Thu, 22 Jun 2006 22:24:51 GMT

My pirate name is:

Calico Bess Flint

Often indecisive, you can't even choose a favorite color. You're apt to follow wherever the wind blows you, just like Calico Jack Rackham, your namesake. Like the rock flint, you're hard and sharp. But, also like flint, you're easily chipped, and sparky. Arr!

Get your own pirate name from fidius.org.

deesteve@comcast.com — Thu, 15 Jun 2006 19:57:37 GMT

When I close my eyes I feel the longing deep in my inner self,
flowing through my heart, the pounding telling me there's more,
that I'm not where I'm suppose to be, so I wonder;

Could I be more, or am I deluding myself,
tricks of the mind;
looking for something that does'nt exist.

by Dee

Half finished.....needs a lot of work, but it has potential I think.
Dee

deesteve@comcast.com — Thu, 15 Jun 2006 01:29:37 GMT

feeling a little out of sorts tonight, just not myself. Not much going on with me, but I know I really need to get out and do something for sanity sake if nothing else so tomorrow I will try something new, now all I have to do is figure out what that will be. :)

I'm having writer's block with my poetry and my drawings, and it's absolutely driving me crazy because I use it as my therapy too, just so frustrating.

Any ideas of what would be a fun outing?

have a great night

Dee

deesteve@comcast.com — Mon, 12 Jun 2006 19:26:54 GMT

Having a pretty good day so far....my nephew stayed overnight and we had a great time....he wants to be a chef and although I am no chef, I have been told my cooking is good, so we decided to cook lasagna and garlic crescent rolls for supper it was really good and I think he will be a great chef someday.

Hope everyone is having a great day.

Smiles and Laughter is my wish for you.

Dee

deesteve@comcast.com — Wed, 07 Jun 2006 04:38:22 GMT

I feel like doing a little writing therapy....I haven't mentioned this in my journal yet, one of the reason's I was gone so long was because at first it was depression, I've suffered from this for years,and after 20 years my doctor finally diagnosed what he believes is the cause of my depression, which ended up being bi-polar disorder, my medication was worked out and I was starting to feel a lot better when my sister, Janet died in a house fire on April 5th, she was a year older than me, and I Love her with all that is in me.

I'm feeling so many emotions with such intensity at one time, that I don't know how to react or what do and I just want this horrible ache in my heart to ease.

Janet was such a wonderful person, warm, caring and generous. Words cannot describe how much she meant to me, I find myself reaching for the phone to call her, only to have reality smack me in the face, I can't even erase her number off my cell phone, it feels too final. She was the true artist in the family and the one who inspired me in my poetry. Janet, I will always love you.

I'm feeling sorry for myself tonight, so forgive me, just wanted to share a part of me, actually a very big part of me, I know this because when she died she did take a part of me with her... I also believe she left a little of herself with me, and for that I am grateful.

Dee

LOOK WHO'S BACK ;)

deesteve@comcast.com — Thu, 25 May 2006 21:38:31 GMT

I was trying to wait and come back after everything seemed right again, and finally figured out it doesn't look like that's going to happen anytime soon, so I'm coming back anyway. :)
I'm glad to see I still have some friends left I only lost a few with such a long time away, I figured I would have to start all over again, and I'm so happy to see that some stuck it out, you are the best LJ Friends around :).

I have been trying to sort out everything that has been going on in my life, and I'm having a hard time trying to figure out how to accept and move on, I can't write about it, not right now anyway..but I will later because I've decided self- therapy..yes...you got it ....writing in my journal and, interacting in something again will be my therapy, can't think of a better way.

All I know is that right now I need to be here in my journal, writing out my feelings or just rambling like I'm doing now, or I will go crazy.... Well crazier.... or is that more crazy, or does it just go from crazy to insane....what is the right wording for this? :) anyway, it will be something like that. I'm rambling again (you will probably see this a lot ;)

deesteve@comcast.com — Mon, 16 Jan 2006 03:07:12 GMT

I logged on for just a little while to say thank you for not deleting me during my long absence, unfortunately the trouble is not over, and I will be gone for a little while longer..It means so much to me to see my LJ friends that are still with me, and to know I have not been abandoned completely, (THANK YOU) you are great, when I do get back I will have so much to write about, until than I hope everyone is doing great.

Amore

Dee

deesteve@comcast.com — Sun, 11 Dec 2005 19:35:31 GMT

I haven't been on in a while, so I thought I would get on for a few minutes to say I haven't been well..flu or a really bad cold anyway, it's taking longer than I thought to get better, so I thought I would write a line to say...I will be back when I'm feeling better and I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday.

Amore

Dee

A poem I'm still tweaking on.....not finished... :)

deesteve@comcast.com — Sun, 04 Dec 2005 20:13:35 GMT

Poem I'm still working on:

I don't need to know your name
or even see your face
it's enough for me to know you're waiting and;

I need only to close my eyes and dream.

I can feel the warmth of your breath and the
softness of your lips
I ache for just the touch of your hand

Reality and reason takes second place
my imagination goes places I have never seen
wonders of emotions that I have never felt

words are lost with an explanation of this place
as if sitting on a rainbow, while warm breezes and brilliant colors so bright
the beauty of it takes my breath away

There are no worries here only the
overwhelming feeling of just being
As we share our deepest passions
and most sacred secrets, we become as one

Too soon reality bounces back
shining in bright rays through my window
I open my eyes and smile
knowing I have this special place and;

I need only to close my eyes and dream.

By: Denise N. (Dee)

looking for bumper sticker that says below :)

deesteve@comcast.com — Sat, 03 Dec 2005 17:36:41 GMT

I brake for Elves, Fairies, Gnomes, Leprechauns, Unicorns, Dragon's and other invisible creatures that only I can see.

:)

Dee

Snagged from paintd_butterfly

deesteve@comcast.com — Sat, 03 Dec 2005 17:30:17 GMT

Sarah

My name is Sarah
I am but three,
My eyes are swollen
I cannot see,

I must be stupid,
I must be bad,
What else could have made
My daddy so mad?

I wish I were better,
I wish I weren't ugly,
Then maybe my Mommy
Would still want to hug me.

I can't speak at all,
I can't do a wrong
Or else I'm locked up
All the day long.

When I awake I'm all alone
The house is dark
My folks aren't home.

When my Mommy does come
I'll try and be nice,
So maybe I'll get just
One whipping tonight.

Don't make a sound!
I just heard a car
My daddy is back
From Charlie's Bar.

I hear him curse
My name he calls
I press myself
Against the wall.

I try and hide
From his evil eyes
I'm so afraid now
I'm starting to cry.

He finds me weeping
He shouts ugly words,
He says its my fault
That he suffers at work.

He slaps me and hits me
And yells at me more,
I finally get free
And I run for the door.
He's already locked it
And I start to bawl,
He takes me and throws me
Against the hard wall.

I fall to the floor
With my bones nearly broken,
And my daddy continues
With more bad words spoken.

"I'm sorry!", I scream
But its now much too late
His face has been twisted
Into unimaginable hate.

The hurt and the pain
Again and again
Oh please God, have mercy!
Oh please let it end!

And he finally stops
And heads for the door,
While I lay there motionless
Sprawled on the floor.

My name is Sarah
And I am but three,
Tonight my daddy
Murdered me.

Please pass this poem on as a Blue Ribbon Against Child Abuse because as crazy as it might sound, it might just indirectly change a life. Hey, you NEVER know.

Please forward

Thanks/ purpleacv

deesteve@comcast.com — Sat, 03 Dec 2005 16:52:45 GMT

Just fill in top and click, it does the rest .....just something else for me to play :)

deesteve@comcast.com — Tue, 29 Nov 2005 18:04:23 GMT

"not mine, just like what it say's"

Hatred is the rabid dog that turns on its owner.

Revenge is the raging fire that consumes the arsonist.

Bitterness is the trap that snares the hunter.

And Mercy is the choice that can set them all free.

Wow...I do love the night

deesteve@comcast.com — Tue, 29 Nov 2005 17:58:30 GMT

Your French name is
~Nuit~
It means 'night'.
You are a quiet person who enjoys being alone.
Unlike Congele, you are accepted, you just like
to have time to yourself to think. You
especially like the nightime, because looking
at the stars makes you think of how small we
all are in the world, and how much there is
about the universe that we don't and can't
know...

What is your French name?
brought to you by Quizilla

deesteve@comcast.com — Sat, 26 Nov 2005 22:58:04 GMT

Another quote I read at a teacher's meeting and jotted down, becaused I liked it ...:) why else?

This quote did not have a name attached to it, when I do find quote's I will write the name of who wrote it unless there is none, and of course I only will post quotes I like.

"The value of life is not in the length of days we have, but in the use we make of them."

Long Time gone but not forgotten.....a poem on abuse

deesteve@comcast.com — Wed, 23 Nov 2005 20:10:14 GMT

The floor feels like shredded glass beneath my feet,
a constant reminder of this unstable place.

as the floor shatters as I knew it would;
a familiar panic takes it's hold,
and a numbness pierces through my soul.

hate and fury surrounds me with it's force;
where only pain can dull this ache.

weakness fades.......as endless minutes turns gentle tears;
into promised lies of a more peaceful place.

by: (Denise) Dee

I've posted this before awhile ago.....but just in that weird kind of mood and needed to remind myself of how far I have come.

"Dee"

deesteve@comcast.com — Wed, 23 Nov 2005 19:19:55 GMT

Something I read lately....not mine:

"Love in truth. Truth in love. Never one at the expense of the other. Never the Embrace of love without the torch of truth. Never the heat of truth without the warmth of love...

To pursue both is a singular task."

"Dee"

deesteve@comcast.com — Wed, 23 Nov 2005 01:53:02 GMT

Just got back from my NA (Narcotics Annoymous) meeting tonight, I am 68 days clean today..yea!!!! The only problem is this damn depression is back and big time....I had alot of support at the meeting though and it seems this is what they call the Brick Wall that sometimes you hit when in recovery....usually around 60 to 120 days so they tell me, well I hate it and I'm feeling sorry for myself so I want to appologize to those who read me. but, I also want to thank my LJ friends for being there for me, I have very few on my list but I am glad to have everyone.

Anyway, hopefully tomorrow will be better ...until than.

Amore

"Dee"

deesteve@comcast.com — Sun, 20 Nov 2005 22:25:16 GMT

Sometimes we just have bad moments..................
and all we can do is wait for the good moments.................
waiting..................................